I thought I’d write about how far I’ve come, and celebrate that victory. Sometimes, I only focus on the issues I still have and need to overcome. But, I was thinking and remembering how I was when I first left. It got me thinking about my progression through the last 3 years.
I’m afraid
I’m afraid he has ruined me forever.
I’m afraid if I’m ever with someone else, I’ll hear ‘his’ words.
I’m afraid if he’s mad, I’ll be afraid of what he’ll do. I’m afraid of how I’ll react.
I’m afraid I’ll never want to be with anyone again.
I’m afraid I’ll never forget.
I’m afraid I’ll never be able to move on.
I’m afraid I’ll be alone forever. I’m afraid I’ll LIKE being alone forever.
I’m afraid things/words will always affect me.
What Does it Mean to Heal from Domestic Violence?
I wish I had the answer. Maybe it means being able or willing to talk about it. And not just in my blog, but with actual real humans.
Maybe it’s not comparing all men to my ex. Granted, at least I’m finding most everyone leaps and bounds better… But then I start thinking about what they are like behind closed doors… when the facade isn’t necessary.
Change
I feel change coming. I don’t know what it means. Too many things are changing, too many things feel different for me to ignore. I’m unsettled, and I don’t know why.
I did just do a major restructure of my team at work. Maybe the reason is that simple. It’s been hard. I don’t normally let emotion get in my way when it comes to a re-org, but I did this time. I don’t like it.
Surely, a restructure can’t be my entire problem. Maybe it’s because life isn’t normal right now. Is that why I’m feeling so unsettled? I’m feeling things that are so contrary to my ‘normal’, I don’t know what to think. I want physical contact with someone, but I still don’t want them to touch me. I want someone I can confide in and talk to. But I don’t want to share what I’m feeling. Heck, I don’t even know what I’m feeling, so how can I share it…?
Things that have been one way, suddenly seem… different. I can’t articulate it better than that. Is it me? Probably. Is it the others? Probably not. Am I just over analyzing? It’s quite likely. Is it something else completely? Is God trying to prepare me for something? If so, I want to know what it is.
I started pacing my apartment again. I can’t settle down. Maybe it really is just me. But, simply just word vomiting in my blog has already made me feel better. I need to spend some time with God, actually just resting in His peace. Trying to make my own peace doesn’t seem to be working.
But, I do feel like I am on the cusp of something. I wish I knew what it was. I guess, whatever it is, I know God has my best in mind, so I’m excited.
Anxiety After Domestic Violence
I recently realized that what I have been feeling is anxiety. I never considered I could have some anxiety before, but after I started analyzing how I was feeling, it all makes more sense. I’ve been working on this post for months, but am only now getting some clarity.
Seeing Your Ex
THANK GOD it wasn’t in person, but I saw a picture on Facebook of him with his siblings and mother for Mother’s Day. I felt nothing.
Destruction of Trust
I guess there are different types of trust, and maybe levels of trust in each area. I’m analyzing where I am in these.
Trust others – I’m pretty sure my biggest fear is that the person I could end up in a relationship with, will end up being like my ex. While I realize intellectually that not all men are like my ex, the fear is real. On a scale of 1 – 10, I’m pretty sure my trust in potential mates is zero… I may have to work on this, but I don’t really know how to go about it.
Being OK Being Alone
With the current world events of Covid – 19, many of us are very busy sheltering in place. I’ve spent a decent amount of time thinking about relationships. I had the thought that maybe I’d get married again, so I wouldn’t be alone during the next global pandemic. Really, it was one of the more stupid thoughts I’d had in a while.
Did I do the right thing?
Yes. The answer is yes.
In conversation recently, it came up that this person didn’t think there was any reason besides adultery that divorce should take place. This person wasn’t being malicious in any way, and I certainly didn’t take offense. However, it did get me thinking…
I’m Really Glad to be Alive
I’ve been thinking alot about it lately. I’m really glad to be alive.
I’ve been having really strange dreams. Many are about my family. Some are about my ex., some about work. I don’t really remember my dreams, but I do know that a recurring theme is that I am glad to be alive. Read More »
Domestic Violence - From victim to survivor 