Change

I feel change coming. I don’t know what it means. Too many things are changing, too many things feel different for me to ignore. I’m unsettled, and I don’t know why.

I did just do a major restructure of my team at work. Maybe the reason is that simple. It’s been hard. I don’t normally let emotion get in my way when it comes to a re-org, but I did this time. I don’t like it.

Surely, a restructure can’t be my entire problem. Maybe it’s because life isn’t normal right now. Is that why I’m feeling so unsettled? I’m feeling things that are so contrary to my ‘normal’, I don’t know what to think. I want physical contact with someone, but I still don’t want them to touch me. I want someone I can confide in and talk to. But I don’t want to share what I’m feeling. Heck, I don’t even know what I’m feeling, so how can I share it…?

Things that have been one way, suddenly seem… different. I can’t articulate it better than that. Is it me? Probably. Is it the others? Probably not. Am I just over analyzing? It’s quite likely. Is it something else completely? Is God trying to prepare me for something? If so, I want to know what it is.

I started pacing my apartment again. I can’t settle down. Maybe it really is just me. But, simply just word vomiting in my blog has already made me feel better. I need to spend some time with God, actually just resting in His peace. Trying to make my own peace doesn’t seem to be working.

But, I do feel like I am on the cusp of something. I wish I knew what it was. I guess, whatever it is, I know God has my best in mind, so I’m excited.

Destruction of Trust

I guess there are different types of trust, and maybe levels of trust in each area. I’m analyzing where I am in these.

Trust others – I’m pretty sure my biggest fear is that the person I could end up in a relationship with, will end up being like my ex. While I realize intellectually that not all men are like my ex, the fear is real. On a scale of 1 – 10, I’m pretty sure my trust in potential mates is zero… I may have to work on this, but I don’t really know how to go about it. 

Trusting others even in normal life situations is a challenge.  I, many times, think they will react to things the same way my ex would. I truly wish I wouldn’t do this. They don’t deserve that. I am getting better in this area, though. I’d give myself a 3. I have good and bad times. When something happens, my default is a lack of trust. It’s not that I don’t trust them really, it’s just that maybe I don’t trust their reaction to the situation. I guess it could be considered not trusting them… I project feelings, I assume they are thinking something, think I was mean, or stupid.  I am caught then in a place of rumination, because why would I simply ask?!?! I enter into a vicious cycle of wondering what they are thinking or feeling about me. 

Honestly, this really hurts to admit. Most of the people in my life deserve to be trusted and not have me doubting or wondering (read: worrying) what they are thinking. 

Trust myself – I’m finding I don’t trust myself either. I don’t trust myself to actually be myself in a relationship. I don’t trust myself to choose someone who isn’t abusive. I wonder if I will be honest with how I’m feeling in a relationship. When I was honest before, it never ended well. My feelings were belittled and rejected. It doesn’t lend itself towards being honest in how I’m feeling.

While I have recently decided I am truly happy being single, I still have some work to do learning to trust in general. It is important to me that I get better with trust in friend and family relationships.

I have so many thoughts yet on this topic. I just need some more time to make sense of them. Being ‘stuck’ at home, has helped me to listen to God. He’s been able to show me areas in my life, like trust, that He wants to help me with. While I’m not terribly interested in working on this and hearing difficult truths, I know it’s time. Time to heal in another area of my life after domestic violence tried to destroy me.