I thought I’d write about how far I’ve come, and celebrate that victory. Sometimes, I only focus on the issues I still have and need to overcome. But, I was thinking and remembering how I was when I first left. It got me thinking about my progression through the last 3 years.
Category: Life
I’m afraid
I’m afraid he has ruined me forever.
I’m afraid if I’m ever with someone else, I’ll hear ‘his’ words.
I’m afraid if he’s mad, I’ll be afraid of what he’ll do. I’m afraid of how I’ll react.
I’m afraid I’ll never want to be with anyone again.
I’m afraid I’ll never forget.
I’m afraid I’ll never be able to move on.
I’m afraid I’ll be alone forever. I’m afraid I’ll LIKE being alone forever.
I’m afraid things/words will always affect me.
What Does it Mean to Heal from Domestic Violence?
I wish I had the answer. Maybe it means being able or willing to talk about it. And not just in my blog, but with actual real humans.
Maybe it’s not comparing all men to my ex. Granted, at least I’m finding most everyone leaps and bounds better… But then I start thinking about what they are like behind closed doors… when the facade isn’t necessary.
Change
I feel change coming. I don’t know what it means. Too many things are changing, too many things feel different for me to ignore. I’m unsettled, and I don’t know why.
I did just do a major restructure of my team at work. Maybe the reason is that simple. It’s been hard. I don’t normally let emotion get in my way when it comes to a re-org, but I did this time. I don’t like it.
Surely, a restructure can’t be my entire problem. Maybe it’s because life isn’t normal right now. Is that why I’m feeling so unsettled? I’m feeling things that are so contrary to my ‘normal’, I don’t know what to think. I want physical contact with someone, but I still don’t want them to touch me. I want someone I can confide in and talk to. But I don’t want to share what I’m feeling. Heck, I don’t even know what I’m feeling, so how can I share it…?
Things that have been one way, suddenly seem… different. I can’t articulate it better than that. Is it me? Probably. Is it the others? Probably not. Am I just over analyzing? It’s quite likely. Is it something else completely? Is God trying to prepare me for something? If so, I want to know what it is.
I started pacing my apartment again. I can’t settle down. Maybe it really is just me. But, simply just word vomiting in my blog has already made me feel better. I need to spend some time with God, actually just resting in His peace. Trying to make my own peace doesn’t seem to be working.
But, I do feel like I am on the cusp of something. I wish I knew what it was. I guess, whatever it is, I know God has my best in mind, so I’m excited.
Domestic Violence - From victim to survivor 