I thought I’d write about how far I’ve come, and celebrate that victory. Sometimes, I only focus on the issues I still have and need to overcome. But, I was thinking and remembering how I was when I first left. It got me thinking about my progression through the last 3 years.
Tag: domestic violence
I’m afraid
I’m afraid he has ruined me forever.
I’m afraid if I’m ever with someone else, I’ll hear ‘his’ words.
I’m afraid if he’s mad, I’ll be afraid of what he’ll do. I’m afraid of how I’ll react.
I’m afraid I’ll never want to be with anyone again.
I’m afraid I’ll never forget.
I’m afraid I’ll never be able to move on.
I’m afraid I’ll be alone forever. I’m afraid I’ll LIKE being alone forever.
I’m afraid things/words will always affect me.
What Does it Mean to Heal from Domestic Violence?
I wish I had the answer. Maybe it means being able or willing to talk about it. And not just in my blog, but with actual real humans.
Maybe it’s not comparing all men to my ex. Granted, at least I’m finding most everyone leaps and bounds better… But then I start thinking about what they are like behind closed doors… when the facade isn’t necessary.
Anxiety After Domestic Violence
I recently realized that what I have been feeling is anxiety. I never considered I could have some anxiety before, but after I started analyzing how I was feeling, it all makes more sense. I’ve been working on this post for months, but am only now getting some clarity.
Seeing Your Ex
THANK GOD it wasn’t in person, but I saw a picture on Facebook of him with his siblings and mother for Mother’s Day. I felt nothing.
Destruction of Trust
I guess there are different types of trust, and maybe levels of trust in each area. I’m analyzing where I am in these.
Trust others – I’m pretty sure my biggest fear is that the person I could end up in a relationship with, will end up being like my ex. While I realize intellectually that not all men are like my ex, the fear is real. On a scale of 1 – 10, I’m pretty sure my trust in potential mates is zero… I may have to work on this, but I don’t really know how to go about it.
Can you ‘get over’ Domestic Violence?
Something I’ve said to myself on multiple occasions is ‘you need to just get over it’.
I tend to look at things in a black and white way. Unfortunately, I don’t think this question can be answered with a yes or a no.
I don’t think that it is possible to ever forget. This experience will always be with you. It will change the way you view the world and the experiences you go through. It will forever be part of who you are now.
All that to say, I believe it is DEFINITELY possible have a history of Domestic Violence and still live a happy, fulfilling life. Perhaps it is not ‘getting over it’ but moving beyond it. Not forgetting, but having it be just a memory. Albeit, not a good memory, but just a memory nonetheless.
Memories don’t have to negatively affect us. They are in the past. They are NOT in our present. Having a memory shape our current experience isn’t the best way. It makes us automatically assume the worst of our situation.
The thing that caused these memories, has also made us stronger! I am fully confident of this. It has made us more aware of our surroundings, the people we are dealing with, and helps us know the best way to deal with them.
Lol, I’m not saying I’m terribly good at separating the two right now. But, I can at least step back and realize the situation I am in, is not the same as the one I was in with my ex. I am able to look at my feelings at the time versus actual reality. I think this is a good step 😉
So, I guess it depends on your definition of what ‘getting over it’ really means. I’m thinking that if you are no longer affected negatively, it might be safe to say you can ‘get over’ domestic violence. At least in my perspective. I’m on my way!
3 Year Anniversary
Well, it is officially 3 years to the day that I left the abuse. October 14th, 2016, was the day I finally had peace to leave. I KNEW I had to go. It was clear in the moment, I did it, and I haven’t regretted it!
Happy Anniversary to me!!
I have to say, it was the best decision I have ever made! It has not been easy, but it has been worth it!
I’m Scared
I had a few days where I DID NOT THINK ABOUT HIM AT ALL!
Well, it was nice while it lasted 😉 But then, I then I spent many days thinking about the abuse. I believe God is working on me again, maybe after a short rest (the rest was for me). He is helping me to see that not all men are like my ex. He’s telling me things that are countering my experiences. It’s throwing me for a loop.
Why? Well, because I’m happy right now. I don’t want a relationship, if that’s where this is headed. I don’t want to be accountable to anyone. That sounds quite selfish, but I don’t care… I don’t want to be married. I can barely keep myself fed, let alone someone else. I don’t want that responsibility. While I’m feeling lonely at times, I like being alone. I like having my own place, where I can do (or not do) whatever I want.
Though, it was raining recently when I left work. I thought it sure would have been nice to have a nice man pick me up at the door… 😉 Then I thought of all the negatives, and happily marched to my car in the rain. A little rain never hurt anyone…
Sometimes, though I’m not a cuddler, it would be lovely to have a nice (short) cuddle.
However, I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll choose poorly. I’m scared the next man will turn out the same way. I don’t think I can survive that again. I’m scared to even try. I was so scared, I cried just thinking about it. I’m NOT a crier…
I feel I am on the threshold of something major. I don’t know what it is, but it scares me. Actually, I think a better word might be terrified…
I think it’s ok to be scared for now, yet at the same time, I’m trusting God. I’m scared of the future, yet I know God is working it all out. It’s a strange feeling.
I Want to Know Why!
I want to know why!
Why did my marriage end up like it did? When he was strangling me, why did he stop? Why didn’t he just make good on his threats, hold on a minute longer, and just end it all? It apparently would have made his life better…
Why did he want to marry me in the first place? Why would someone, who swore in our marriage vows to love and protect me, do this to me? Did he hate me that much? How does someone get to that place where they’d want to kill the one they love?
I want some closure.
I want some understanding. Is that too much to ask? And yet, I can’t/won’t ask him. I’m done burying my head in the sand and pretending it didn’t happen. I’m done wondering why. I want to know.
I’m done with the fear, the doubts, the insecurities. I’m done with having him affect my life. Affect my thoughts. Affect my decisions. I want to load my damn dishwasher without having his voice in my head criticizing me. I’m done with having to fight the urge to fix the clothes that are hanging up in my closet the ‘wrong’ way.
I’m done wondering if I am a good person. I’m done wondering if I am doing whatever I am doing ‘right’. I’m done wondering if I am good at sex, or being a wife, or being compassionate, or ALL OF IT! I want to know damnit!
I want to know why.
I know God will help me get the understanding I need. I trust Him.
Domestic Violence - From victim to survivor 